Joy Young Restaurant:
High on flavor low on price.
The Magic city's first "Oriental" style restaurant reviewed by our favorite connoisseur and glutton Bear Bryant.
The sweet smell of opium and egg rolls whiffed through the air as me and my lovely dinner companion entered the new "far eastern" style restaurant at 412 20th St. North. Candy, a buxom prostitute I picked up in Centerpoint, and I, have never eaten together, at least not food.
I ordered fried chicken and Candy asked for a cheeseburger with an order of fries. We were dumbfounded when we found out that these Orientals don't eat regular food, but rather snails, noodles and crap like that. The waiter told me that his kind doesn't eat cheese, they find it repulsive. His kind? I know what his kind is, a bunch of commies. That's what they are.
So I ordered a number 1 and Candy shot for the moon and had a number 2. When the food finally arrived we were drunk to the gills. Not that the service was necessarily slow, but rather that we started early and drank fast. I was surprised that I wasn't served man's best friend. "I thought you people ate dogs," I politely remarked. The waiter must have been hard of hearing. He didn't respond.
I guess if you like weird foreign food it was all right. But we're going to stick to barbecue from now own.
Bear Bryant
Kaintock stole this from The Birmingham Free Press /www.birminghamfreepress.com/
KICKING THE GONG AROUND
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Vulcan's Spear
Vulcan"s Spear
When the film is shot. This story will begin with an aerial shot of Vulcan's rear and the cityscape of Birmingham. Think Wim Wenders aerial shot of the statue of Christ the Redeemer which overlooks Rio De Janero in Wings of Desire.
As the chopper circles Vulcan, we see two men talking on the observation deck. The camers zooms in. We see an older asian man holding a green 10 oz. bottle of Coke. The other gentleman, good looking late thirties in a charcoal suit, is pouring salted peanuts into the elder man's Coke.
Due to the roar of the chopper, we cannot hear what is being discussed, but it seems serious. The camera slowly zooms out and we cut to the helicopter pilot's perspective. The chopper spins and heads north to downtown Birmingham where it hovers with local news helicopters over the Jefferson County court house.
ck
Friday, March 25, 2005
Real Live Members and the Dial Tone Secretarys Who Love Them
I recently heard about a new trend of gyms for men on the other side of the baby boom. These gyms do not have mirrors, cardio machines or scales. There are a few members of my local gym who ought to move over.
Real Live Members:
1) 3 piece suit man...yes this guy works out sporting a tie,vest and jacket.
2) eskimo sailor man...this bearded chap fancies nautical striped shirts and cardigans...there something Jack London about him.
3) drummer runner...he plays air drums with real sticks while on the treadmill.
4) super schlong man... this guy showers with the curtain open talking to everyone who passes by...I have to admit he could make Iggy Pop sweat.
5) and his side kick mini trump...he makes unconvincing cell phone calls in the locker room berating his dial tone secretary about her fuck ups.
this duo probably jointly own a 10'x10' cellar store room, but to hear them talk the might as well be the heir apparent to the Donald.
Kaintock
Real Live Members:
1) 3 piece suit man...yes this guy works out sporting a tie,vest and jacket.
2) eskimo sailor man...this bearded chap fancies nautical striped shirts and cardigans...there something Jack London about him.
3) drummer runner...he plays air drums with real sticks while on the treadmill.
4) super schlong man... this guy showers with the curtain open talking to everyone who passes by...I have to admit he could make Iggy Pop sweat.
5) and his side kick mini trump...he makes unconvincing cell phone calls in the locker room berating his dial tone secretary about her fuck ups.
this duo probably jointly own a 10'x10' cellar store room, but to hear them talk the might as well be the heir apparent to the Donald.
Kaintock
Monday, March 14, 2005
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Being Dad:Brooklyn 2005
Recently, I struggled with my daughter Gretchen to succomb to a nap. This nap would relieve us both of the agony that dear, sleepy two year olds catupult upon their fortunate parents. Hammas could take a lesson.
I strap her into the car seat and with no destination but relief from the wailing.I drive around and around pretty much the same block. The crying fades and sleep has taken her for a good hour that is if we continue to drive around.
I am settling into the quiet. I dial up Laura Cantrell's Radio Thrift Shop. All I need now is a large hot beverage.
Now, if I lived in Atlanta, I could simply drive-thru a Caribou Coffee and pick up good cup of coffee and a pastry. There is no drive-thru coffee available in Brooklyn. Well, there is McDonalds where the beverages are hot, but bad.
I pull over and park in front of Fall Cafe, they make a solid latte. Now, I am faced with my very 2005 dilema.I cannot leave Gretchen in the car. When I was kid, I was left in the car for hours as my Mom, Tallulah gossiped with the ladies at the beauty parlor or my Dad, Mason would shoot the shit with his chronies and feed the guard dogs at the used car lot.
As the snow begins to fall, my eyes are peeled for someone i know to watch gretchen for two minutes. Spotting someone is a likely since my wife, agatha knows every parent in this neighborhood. After a few minutes, I stop two strangers who are coming out of Fall Cafe and give them 5 bucks to go back and get me a latte. The could taken the money and run, but they returned shortly with the tall order. Greetchen sleeps and all is well.
CK
I strap her into the car seat and with no destination but relief from the wailing.I drive around and around pretty much the same block. The crying fades and sleep has taken her for a good hour that is if we continue to drive around.
I am settling into the quiet. I dial up Laura Cantrell's Radio Thrift Shop. All I need now is a large hot beverage.
Now, if I lived in Atlanta, I could simply drive-thru a Caribou Coffee and pick up good cup of coffee and a pastry. There is no drive-thru coffee available in Brooklyn. Well, there is McDonalds where the beverages are hot, but bad.
I pull over and park in front of Fall Cafe, they make a solid latte. Now, I am faced with my very 2005 dilema.I cannot leave Gretchen in the car. When I was kid, I was left in the car for hours as my Mom, Tallulah gossiped with the ladies at the beauty parlor or my Dad, Mason would shoot the shit with his chronies and feed the guard dogs at the used car lot.
As the snow begins to fall, my eyes are peeled for someone i know to watch gretchen for two minutes. Spotting someone is a likely since my wife, agatha knows every parent in this neighborhood. After a few minutes, I stop two strangers who are coming out of Fall Cafe and give them 5 bucks to go back and get me a latte. The could taken the money and run, but they returned shortly with the tall order. Greetchen sleeps and all is well.
CK
Sunday, February 27, 2005
krispy kremes and the killer
In high school, I couldn't get a date to save my life.
Every girl wanted to be my friend. It was like I was the gay male friend to the straight girl. Pathetic.
Finally...through a friend of a friend, I managed to get set up for a date. All I had to do was drive six hours on the nation's darkest highway. So, I packed up the Datsun 200SX and left Camelot Trailer Park for Memphis.
All I can remember now about the date was the drive from the girl's house to the hotel. Don't get excited. the only action at the hotel was dancing to forgettable hits of the 80's. It was a double date. I really cannot remember who the passengeres were. Scary. I do remember when the 200SX broke down miles away from our destination.
It was of course the days before cell phones. Fortunately, we were directly across from a Krispy Kreme. After explaining to the lovely counter ladies my predicament, they directed me to the wall phone in the back. I was so caught up in the embarassment of the 200SX's break down, it took me a few minutes to recognize my good fortune. The wall phone in the back was located next to the cooling segment of the doughnut making process. So, I am on the phone with AAA snatching up hot ones. They are were really hot. It was a productive phone call, I arranged for the tow truck to pick up the 200SX and downed a half a dozen classic glazed doughnuts. I returned to the passengers with a severe sugar high and third degree tongue burns.
AAA took the car away and a cab was called to take us to the hotel. We pull up to the hotel and I pay the driver. As, I open the car door there is a huge man waiting to take our cab. I look up and recognize that it's Jerry Lee Lewis. I tell the cab driver but he is clueless. In this moment of serendipity, I stand up a proudly exclaim, "goodness gracious Jerry Lee...how you doing?"
The killer doesn't miss a step. He gives me a bear hug and says, God bless you son...you are here just in the nick of time!"
He hops in and the cab drives away.
clay
Every girl wanted to be my friend. It was like I was the gay male friend to the straight girl. Pathetic.
Finally...through a friend of a friend, I managed to get set up for a date. All I had to do was drive six hours on the nation's darkest highway. So, I packed up the Datsun 200SX and left Camelot Trailer Park for Memphis.
All I can remember now about the date was the drive from the girl's house to the hotel. Don't get excited. the only action at the hotel was dancing to forgettable hits of the 80's. It was a double date. I really cannot remember who the passengeres were. Scary. I do remember when the 200SX broke down miles away from our destination.
It was of course the days before cell phones. Fortunately, we were directly across from a Krispy Kreme. After explaining to the lovely counter ladies my predicament, they directed me to the wall phone in the back. I was so caught up in the embarassment of the 200SX's break down, it took me a few minutes to recognize my good fortune. The wall phone in the back was located next to the cooling segment of the doughnut making process. So, I am on the phone with AAA snatching up hot ones. They are were really hot. It was a productive phone call, I arranged for the tow truck to pick up the 200SX and downed a half a dozen classic glazed doughnuts. I returned to the passengers with a severe sugar high and third degree tongue burns.
AAA took the car away and a cab was called to take us to the hotel. We pull up to the hotel and I pay the driver. As, I open the car door there is a huge man waiting to take our cab. I look up and recognize that it's Jerry Lee Lewis. I tell the cab driver but he is clueless. In this moment of serendipity, I stand up a proudly exclaim, "goodness gracious Jerry Lee...how you doing?"
The killer doesn't miss a step. He gives me a bear hug and says, God bless you son...you are here just in the nick of time!"
He hops in and the cab drives away.
clay
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
MILF pt2...GG tres jolie
Between the ages of 2 and 12, I lived in a trailer park named Camelot. The aristocracy of the tony suburb Hill River had tried for years to rezone Camelot into the next municipality, but a grandfather clause would not allow it. Camelot was safe and cheap. It was popular with young single girls in their 20's and families just scrapping by.
Two of my friends, Jado and Slyvester, and I spent our endless days building forts, vandalizing and peeping. We were never bored. For me there were two MILFs that lead the pack.
Gayle Berger was a petite blond with just theright propotrtions...picture a blend of Stevie Nicks and Chertl Ladd, What more could a child of the 70's ask for. She loved to sunbathe in the front yard and it being Alabama her season lasted from early April to late September. My bedroom had ideal sight lines and promoted inverse peeping. Jado, Slyvester and I could chill next to the window unit air conditioner and watch for hours.
One night, drawn by the romantic sounds of Heart's Dog and Butterfly, we creeped up to her front window. All we could see in her living room was an empty pair of male cowboys boots. This sight provoked the unholy three to run around to the back where we were rewarded with the following indelible memory.
Gayle in her glory had cleared out the dining room table and replaced it with harem type floor pillows, strawberry incense was quite present. Her face was writhing in ectasy as she rode her cowboy sans boots. HOT.
The other "G" MILF was a tall, dark brunette... picture a 70's version of a jewish Penelope Cruz. She liked to chat on the phone at night in a tiny t shirt without any bottoms. Even better was an activity we liked to call "Gwenich Mean Time" or "the gwedo".
Every night at 8:30, the unholy three met on some concrete stairs behind her trailer. I will be forever indebted to the architect who kindly put a window in the shower. Like clock work, we had a nightly full view of the cleansing accompanied by pleasuring. Who needed Laverne and Shirley, we had Gwen.
ck
Two of my friends, Jado and Slyvester, and I spent our endless days building forts, vandalizing and peeping. We were never bored. For me there were two MILFs that lead the pack.
Gayle Berger was a petite blond with just theright propotrtions...picture a blend of Stevie Nicks and Chertl Ladd, What more could a child of the 70's ask for. She loved to sunbathe in the front yard and it being Alabama her season lasted from early April to late September. My bedroom had ideal sight lines and promoted inverse peeping. Jado, Slyvester and I could chill next to the window unit air conditioner and watch for hours.
One night, drawn by the romantic sounds of Heart's Dog and Butterfly, we creeped up to her front window. All we could see in her living room was an empty pair of male cowboys boots. This sight provoked the unholy three to run around to the back where we were rewarded with the following indelible memory.
Gayle in her glory had cleared out the dining room table and replaced it with harem type floor pillows, strawberry incense was quite present. Her face was writhing in ectasy as she rode her cowboy sans boots. HOT.
The other "G" MILF was a tall, dark brunette... picture a 70's version of a jewish Penelope Cruz. She liked to chat on the phone at night in a tiny t shirt without any bottoms. Even better was an activity we liked to call "Gwenich Mean Time" or "the gwedo".
Every night at 8:30, the unholy three met on some concrete stairs behind her trailer. I will be forever indebted to the architect who kindly put a window in the shower. Like clock work, we had a nightly full view of the cleansing accompanied by pleasuring. Who needed Laverne and Shirley, we had Gwen.
ck
Monday, February 14, 2005
MILF pt1
The first one was both my Mom's best friend and my best friend's mom. In those days, her body was in the beginning stages of rubinesque. She had three sons at that point and was on the way to a total of 5 sons. She had a french sounding first name and a feisty attitude. She would sun bathe wearing a green bikini with a heart cut out on the derriere. After a day of Alabama sun and Johnson's Baby Oil, the cut out would most certainly yield the tomato red temporary tatoo. HOT. Her hair was frosted and everyday she would make me and the brothers lunch. Sensous foods like home made egg rolls, fillet's wrapped in bacon and fried chicken breasts on top of white bread.mmmmmmmm.HOT.
clay
clay
Friday, February 11, 2005
Psychological Thermostat
My wife, Agatha Rice, found my dad's necklace in the washing machine. I have no memory of leaving it there or even taking it off.
I am taking 40 mgs. of Prozac a day.
I started taking it because when I was met with adversity, I became frustrated and depressed.
Losing my keys would bum me out for a good two days.
Now, I lose everything and it does not phase me.
clay
I am taking 40 mgs. of Prozac a day.
I started taking it because when I was met with adversity, I became frustrated and depressed.
Losing my keys would bum me out for a good two days.
Now, I lose everything and it does not phase me.
clay
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Lost necklace/Seeing Stars
As I continue my grieving for my dear dad, my short term memory lapses. Last night, I returned home from a long day of work and promptly fell asleep on the couch. When I awoke...about 3AM...my dad's gold necklace which I have worn since he died had disappeared from my neck.Could not find it anywhere.
Around 7AM, I am staring out the back door and I see gold points of light jiterring against the next house.It reminded me of getting the wind knocked out or a strain. Is it a physical sign from my dad? I am sad for the rest of the day.
Clay
Around 7AM, I am staring out the back door and I see gold points of light jiterring against the next house.It reminded me of getting the wind knocked out or a strain. Is it a physical sign from my dad? I am sad for the rest of the day.
Clay
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